My Prayer

While I find it easier to write, then to talk and express my feelings... I am going to write my prayer as it comes to me... in hopes that it will fill my heart and find it's way to GOD.

"Dear HEAVENLY FATHER,

I come to you in extreme sadness over my mother in law. I need you to be with her and help her overcome her hate for me. Please help me O'LORD, help me please not let this consume me, please let me forgive and forget her hateful words. GOD, please be with me today as I try to focus on the good and not the bad things in life, guide me in the right direction and fill my heart with love. I ask you, I beg you please keep my family safe, please be with those that are hurting like me... help them overcome their pain. LORD, be with those who have been suffering this week because of the storms and weather. Thank you GOD for keeping me and my family safe from the storm. Let my heart be open to the light that you give, let me find my way. GOD, thank you for keeping my demons away this week, for letting me have another day on this beautiful earth that you have created for us to enjoy. GOD I know that you cannot keep us from harm but please be with me and help me overcome my weaknesses and help me to be a better guide for others to your word. I know GOD that I have not always been by your side, but I ask that you see I am trying, I want so desperately to have a relationship with you, I love you GOD. Thank you for sending your SON to die on the cross for our sins, so that I might have favor in your sight. God please be with our leader ... let him find his way, and try to make the best decisions he can for our country. Guide him in his heart, and show him the way for our country to flourish, if it be your will.

In JESUS name A'MEN"

My method for praying may not be for everyone, but it is my way. I think GOD sees our prayers for what they are, sincere or for show. My prayer today was sincere and I hope if you have read this... it fills your heart too.

Trying to let GOD lead me in the right direction...

I have been trying to get over this whole "Evil mother-in-law" thing... and it is harder then I ever imagined. The hard thing isn't dealing with her neglet for others feelings, or working through her hatred for me. The hard thing is that my fiance won't stand up for me, and won't acknowledge that his mother has it out for me. While I understand you need to respect your elders... and parents and etc. I do not understand how you could just let someone say hurtful and hateful things about you future wife.

She is on facebook, and deletes her own son from her friends list ... just whenever she gets upset, or frustrated at him. God knows I want to stand up to her and just tell her how hurtful she is being towards her son, but that would only cause more of a backlash and more slander towards me. I am trying to listen to the sermons at church, and listen to what others have to say. "Kill her with kindness", "pray for her", "ignore it". I am trying, but she is making it so hard.

Yesterday I signed her mothers day card. "I hope you have a great day!", that's what I put. I don't though, and I feel so fake even writing this to her. I just don't understand why she is putting her son through this. He feels so torn between the two of us. It is almost as if she is competing for his love. As if, we can not both love him in our equally yet different ways. I have to admit, I post comments on his facebook page like, I love you so much, I can't wait till we are married. Which is true!! I absolutely can't wait till we are married, I love him very much and he has been my best friend for almost 10 years. However, I can't help on some level hope she reads it and gets mad. I hope she sees it and thinks... ahhhh... he loves her, he is still going to marry her. I just feel sometimes like she is trying to sabatoge our marriage to be.

She deleted me off of his father's facebook page... lol... yes she has her ex-husbands facebook page password. Anyway, she deleted me off and has started this weird friendship with the girl my fiance was with before ... a while ago, but still it was his last serious relationship. This is the same girl that we were with behind her back. I almost think that his mother is mad at me for this as well. I know that she feels that they should have been married, but my fiance has dated plenty of girls since his last serious girlfriend and they have been seperated for about 4 or 5 years now. I can't help but vent about this. I feel like it is perhaps taking over my daily thoughts.

I am determined to let this go though, I need to start studying my bible more, and listening in bible study about forgiving our enemies, and loving those who can not love us. I really want to be that person. I want to be good, and holy, and in Gods own image. It is just so hard.

Ok, so starting today I am going to try to let this go. I need a bible scripture to go by....

Mark 11:25 (New International Version)
25)And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."

The Evil Mother In Law

So, how do I put into words how evil my soon to be mother in law is? Well, I will start off by saying she doesn't just hate me... she hates my fiances' sisters new husband as well as my fiances' brother's girlfriend! My fiances' mother has never had a job... not one day of her life. Must be nice huh? She purely lives off of my fiances' adopted father and her newest husband. I love love love love my future father in laws. I love everyone, but his mother.

It didn't start off this way you know. In the beginning she liked me... almost too much. From the start she acted like I was so wonderful... amazing... and absolutely perfect for her son. According to my fiance she thought I was beautiful and she was so absolutely ecstatic we were together! My fiance and I have known each other for about 9 years now. We met while he was dating another girl, and while I admit it was wrong, we were together during at least half the time they dated. So, to make clear, my fiance and I have dated on and off for about 9 years. However, I didn't meet his mother... or get to know his mother rather, until this past year.

I guess it all started with our vacation to Hawaii. His mother planned it, and of course my fiance decided we were going to go. I was against it from the start, but I decided to make him happy we would go as well. She made it seem like she was doing us such a BIG favor by paying for the down payment on the cruise, but later I would figure out that was not the case. In hind site the only good thing I have taken from that VERY EXPENSIVE TRIP, was that my fiance proposed to me there, which is a memory I will always cherish!! Ok, so back to the point, not only did his mother plan the trip... she planned every single solitary aspect of this trip. For most of the trip we weren't asked what we wanted to do ... only what we were going to do. I wanted to enjoy the sun and the beautiful atmosphere, and she wanted to do every single touristy thing there was to do. I should also say, this was my very first trip to Hawaii, and she had already been, twice.

Through the whole trip the only thing she wanted to talk about was how much she hated my fiances' sisters new husband. How lazy he was , how trashy his family was, how useless, and how unworthy of his sister her new husband was. She only put him down, criticizing his job, and how much money he made, which by the way didn't I mention his mother has NEVER WORKED A DAY IN HER LIFE. I swear to GOD she really hasn't. Anyway, so while we are in this beautiful atmosphere and romantic place, we were for the most part packed into a small car with this whale of a woman and her wonderfully gentle husband. We hardly ever got time alone. The only time it happened is when I demanded it. My fiance is so scared of his mother that he never even wanted to eat a meal without her, fearing her backlash.

After the proposal I guess is where it all went downhill. Up until this point she was acting like she was my best friend HAHAHA. So, after my very romantic and sweet proposal... which she helped set up and then continually complained about for the duration of the trip BLAH BLAH BLAH... I think she just freaked out and decided that she didn't like me anymore. The next day after the proposal she started making comments about how happy my fiance had been in his previous city, before he moved to be with me, and how miserable he sounded now. I am underestimating when I say she said it probably about 20 times. Finally after I had been fed up with her holier then thou act, and her my son is a god sermons... I had had enough. I think it could have been that I was cranky and just tired, but ultimately it was her badgering and her obvious neglect for others feelings that led to my break down.

We were sitting down to dinner at our cruise, and she said it again... "you know you were so much happier in ______, I remember how happy you sounded over the phone and you could just hear it in your voice. Now you just sound sad and unhappy all of the time." I looked at my fiance and just glared he looked at me and knew it was coming. Then she said it again.... and I glared again... the whole table was silent as me and my fiance and his step father just sat in awkward silence. She looked at everyone and said, "What, what have I said.... it's true, he was happier there" and then preceded to say it again. My fiance ... finally standing up for me said, Mom you know you are being really inconsiderate for peoples feelings here. She looked at me and said, you know I don't mean anything, but he was happier... I broke down. I threw my fork down on the table and just ran away in tears. I ran back to our room on the cruise and just bawled. This would be the beginning of her hatred for me.